You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
it's like iHOP with fire
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
