I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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