he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
