only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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