another moral hangover. fuck.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
