Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
you had me at cake vodka
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
