So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
