Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
