Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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