I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
