took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
