Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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