What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
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