Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
