now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
