Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize