I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
