There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
