I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There r osticjed everywhere
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
