whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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