Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize