Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
