Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
