it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
