My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
