I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
