i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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