just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize