just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
