Pappa wants mamma naked
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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