I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
