Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
