If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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