K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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