im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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