this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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