just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
