Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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