Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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