No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
