I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
