why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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