what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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