Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Randomize
