I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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