I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
