Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
