Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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