im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
