look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
