You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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