she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
