My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
