in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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