please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
