So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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